Two weeks ago he had his latest stroke and was sent to Oro Valley Hospital. I didn't even know about that until I drove to his home last Thursday to check on him. His three little dogs were gone and the house was silent. One cat, a ten-year-old FIV+ cat was missing, which had me concerned. Then I saw the smashed-in windshield of his 1998 Toyota pickup and the damaged grill. Oh god I thought, is Chip dead? I have been supporting him in the sidelines, but his old friend from the Tombstone shelter has been checking on him daily. When I posted this news of the missing cat and damaged truck on Facebook, that's when I learned about his latest stroke.
Last Saturday I met several other cat volunteers from the Tombstone Small Animal Shelter (TSAS) at 10am. They knew more about Chip's condition. Chip even called the house while we were there. I talked to him briefly and he gave me four names of pets he wants to keep. One of them was Staney, an aggressive MinPin that was taken to the TSAS along with two chihuahuas. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the dogs were taken to the shelter without his permission by one of the other volunteers and is now listed as up for adoption. Shit.
Chip was supposed to come back to his home in Tombstone last Thursday, but I haven't seen him. I went to his home twice this past week to tend to his cats. I even paid his overdue water bill. When I call him now, all I get is "This number is no longer in service." What is going on?!
Chip has repeatedly mentioned suicide, even to his social worker. He had the local sheriff deputies, a social worker, a legal expert come by daily as part of the county's "Are You OK?" program, but he seems to take offense to all that. His anger repels others, as he has at times me.
He hasn't killed himself yet because of the promise he made to Carol to tend to the animals. He has .repeatedly broken down in tears while I was there. I don't know how much that is exasperated by his drinking. He's told me several times he knows exactly how he's going to end his life and even I am not privy to that. He has held me emotionally hostage since coming back from Alaska.
I care for Chip like I cared for Carol. But there is only so much I can do. There are 19 cats living in that big home and seven tortoises in the back yard. They will all need homes unless they are taken to the Cochise County Animal Conrol where they most likely will be destroyed. Chip is in arrears with his electric, digital TV, credit card and water bill and I'm sure that means the mortgage, too.
Today I just had to get away and hike up Carr Peak. I only took Zeke. I wanted to give Sadie a break. We started at 1:15pm. I hiked up at a steady pace. It was a meditative hike. I only met one couple at the start, and they had an excitable Yellow Lab mix.
I had a steady pace, but my emotions called for me to rest. I was so deep in thought, I didn't even notice some of the usual landmarks like the intermittent waterfall (which was dry today). I'm losing my love of life, too and it's not always easy now to deal with other peoples' quirks. I've secluded myself from others because I worry too much about Chip. He's 72 years old. Our health care doesn't worry about old people, so he's cast aside and he feels neglected.
It was my emotional depression today that made me stop a few times. Otherwise, I could have trekked up to the peak in 1:30 hours. I needed time to clear my mind from my demons. Damnit, suicidal people can be so selfish with their desires to end their life, refusing to listen to their friends and family and just wanting to plaster everyone with guilt. Those who are there to help in turn have no recourse. Non-profits and especially churches will do nothing unless they get something in return.
Weather and wind were calm today. It was 70F at the peak. Zeke and I rested for 15 minutes. I ate some salted almonds and he had some dog food I had carried for him. I sat at the peak and just enjoyed the hazy valley view. We were alone. There were no clouds. Who knows how many more times I will be able to enjoy this hike and this view? My own health is failing. I have been fearing a return of cancer for several years. Maybe it's all in my mind.
Many of the trees were barren. The only wildflowers left were blue fleabane, with an isolated Red Cardinal Flower and one lonesome blue clover. Life is coming to an end. I hope this isn't a metaphor.
The only wildlife I saw were ravens overhead. They are a joy to watch because they are very vocal and dramatic in flight, gliding along thermals while looking down. In a few weeks the cold wind will start blasting, as it has every November.
I just need to hear from Chip to know how he's doing. I can't continue to live in this uncertainty.
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